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While planning my honeymoon, I aback accomplished article very, actual important. Wildly exciting. Life-altering, even. And that is: assorted stops on our beat had cat cafes. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. CAT CAFES. Which is why I alone my bedmate of beneath than 48 hours and went attractive for pussy.

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For those new to the Internet: This aberrant abnormality was built-in in Japan, the world’s arch exporter of cute. But the abstraction has spread, acknowledgment to the acceleration of Internet-fueled cat fandom. With Grumpy Cat as a domiciliary name, why shouldn’t North America banknote in? So now entrepreneurs in America and Canada are attempting to accessible their own establishments; San Francisco’s KitTea aloft added than $60,000 via crowdfunding. Purina opened a Manhattan pop-up to curve captivated about the block.

I apperceive all this, by the way, because I am fucking bedeviled with cats. I adulation the little bastards and I aloof can’t advice it. Much of my first-grade year was spent adulation our agitable aboriginal cat out from beneath the couch. I alive with a large, baby tabby; alone my charter prevents me from adopting addition and adopting several more. My Instagram is an amaranthine beck of cat photos. I’ve been accepted to chase beasts bottomward the street, chirping. I am, like, a baby abroad from subscribing to Cat Fancy. I am bonkers for cats, and I do not affliction who knows it.

When I accomplished that visiting not one but MULTIPLE cat cafes was aural my grasp, this was my centralized monologue:

Meryl Streep was allegedly beneath aflame about her third Oscar than I was about these cat cafes.

First up: Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium, which afresh opened in London’s Shoreditch neighborhood. Reservations are already appointed through October; I could alone get one spot, so I larboard my new bedmate to bulwark for himself. Cozy, abounding of overstuffed sofas and chairs beeline out of some grandma’s parlor, it looks the affectionate of coffee boutique area academy acceptance allegation for finals. Factor in the scones and ancient teacups, and you get a vicarage-y vibe. You apprehend to see a agglomeration of 29-year-old women account Jane Austen novels.

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But accepting central was like entering a bistro in a amplitude station. Aboriginal I absolved into a storefront, area I waited in advanced of a bankrupt aperture for a few minutes. Again I entered an antechamber, area I paid a awning charge, done my easily and was accustomed the rules: No agriculture the cats. No alive the cats. No acrimonious the bodies up. Alone again was I accustomed to access the cat-filled atelier sanctorum.

The rigamarole was about abundant to addled my excitement—until a little atramentous cat abject out, short-circuiting my academician so all I could anticipate was, “KITTY! HI KITTY!”

There were cat-friendly touches everywhere—hammocks and little boxes for napping, shelves for climbing. In heaven, I anchored myself accurately in advanced of a comatose feline. To my appropriate was a brace of twenty-somethings allegedly on a date, authoritative baby allocution and occasionally activation themselves to beachcomber a calamus wand. (They displayed SUSPICIOUSLY low levels of cat enthusiasm. Why were they alike here? Didn’t they acknowledge what was happening???) To my left, a brace of adolescent French women were accepting the time of their lives. Aboriginal they took photos of the sleeping cat. Again they took photos of anniversary added assuming with the sleeping cat. Back the cat woke up, they took pictures while cooing at the cat.

Everyone sat about aggravating to comedy it cool, but whenever a cat afflicted or strolled into view, you’d feel a aside ripple through the room. Amidst the apprehension and the austere rules about touching, it reminded me of a band club. There we sat, cat-and-mouse to be entertained, acquisitive for a few moments one-on-one with the talent. I watched a adolescent man abnormality about the room, attempting to attract assorted bodies with a calamus toy. He kinda-sorta got the absorption of one—then promptly switched his angel back fluffy, prissy Petra woke up. He proceeded to chase her around, cooing about how appealing she was.

I bisected accepted a barrel-chested bouncer to actualize and annoyance him out of there.

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At no point did any cat affectation the aboriginal affection against snuggles. One decidedly bent artful was 100% focused on the aperture through which banquet appears; she sat, she yowled, she nudged it with her paw. It was time for her to alarm out, grab her paycheck and aces up some takeout on the way home.

It was weird. Really, absolutely weird. I chalked the aberancy up to jetlag, but back it came time to accept amidst addition Munich beer anteroom and hunting bottomward the city’s cat cafe, I best the booze. (Forgive me, German kitties!)

That larboard Vienna’s Bistro Neko. It wasn’t a destination and in actuality it took always to find, amidst bottomward a ambagious ancillary street. (Maybe the Austrian Internet is bedeviled with aberrant little dogs, instead.) The average of the bistro captivated the cat agnate of the treehouse from the Swiss Ancestors Robinson, active up with a agglomeration of blithely atramentous origami cranes. The cats-to-humans arrangement seemed promising.

So we sat there. One cat chased addition into the accomplished alcove of a cat tower, again prowled about underneath. Addition (named Momo, according to the menu) algid on a woman’s lap, and a Maine Coon snoozed on a armchair amidst a family. My bedmate adamantly attempted to absorption one cat or another; none of them bit. After a moment, he whispered, “I anticipate that woman is arresting Momo,” acutely the atomic lap-averse of the lot. Gradually a agitable atramentous cat began sniffing at our bags, but didn’t get any bolder. Then, Momo drifted over. Maybe this time? NOPE. She anchored herself alfresco the aperture to the kitchen, acutely anticipating snacks.

Our dreams of cat cuddles were dashed.

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See, here’s the affair about this accomplished setup: Bodies don’t accord a bits about our feelings. They’ve got their own agenda, and it rarely involves humans. Meanwhile, bodies are atrocious for their absorption and nuzzles. This creates a actual close ambiance in which to alcohol your coffee. It’s not alike a able band club. It’s like one of those bikini barista places that abide alone in the Pacific Northwest.

But: DUH. I should accept known! Any accurate cat lover appreciates that this is, in fact, no baby allotment of these careful creatures’ appeal. Bodies are built-in dominatrixes. We abide to serve them! No agnosticism this will abort abounding Grumpy Cat-loving appearance fans, but the absolutely committed accept that this is the accomplished point.

Still, it makes for a fucking awe-inspiring coffee shop.

Image by Tara Jacoby.

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