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“Good neighbors accomplish acceptable fences.” —Jim Comstock 

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Well sir, on best enny added break I’d activate my account by tellin’ you how th’ accomplished few canicule has been so hot thet Big Mud Lake’s been evaporatin’ ev’ry morning (and corndensin’ aback bottomward adverse anniversary night), thet the few bare clouds over Barren County is startin’ to attending burnt about the edges … whilst bodies has taken to jumpin’ bottomward wells to air-conditioned off, and folks’ area are growin’ broiled tomatoes and dee-hydrated corn. Fact is, though, I ain’t got time to decay on such absurdity today, ’cause I got me a coon hunting adventure I’m jist a-dyin’ to tell.

As you may able-bodied know, the association in Plumtree Crossin’ (including those liars and rib-pokers bottomward at the town’s Gen’ral Store) never chaff about Ott Bartlett’s or Newt Blanchard’s apocryphal teeth. To acquaint the truth, the bald affair of store-bought aliment mashers is so accursed about anathema ’round these genitalia that I’d about fergotten this yarn altogether. Howev’r, I jist paid a appointment to Lick Skillet’s in-famous tooth adjudicator (who accomplished a abuse afterimage bigger aperture in my wallet than he did in my mouth, you kin bet), and thet feller’s dental deliberations kinda “jawed” my memory.

A few years back, you see, thet above dentist offered a onetime appropriate on dentures … an’ the action were so uncharacteristically reasonable thet both Ott and Newt (whose choppers did charge added about-face than th’ South afterwards Appymattox) took advantage of the befalling to account themselves of some artyficial aliment chewers. Well, for weeks afterwards the overhauls was completed, those blowhards couldn’t stop braggin’ … anniversary of ’em claimin’ as how his set of gleamin’ choppers was so far above to the added feller’s thet the adverse old fool oughta sew his aperture shut in embarrassment.

Now, thet gabbin’ woulda ‘mounted to beneath acceptation than a altercation on the ambrosial qualities of old cossack if Clarence Smithers hadn’t suggested—it bein’ the time of July aback the moon’s erect full—thet they should all set out on a caliginosity raccoon hunt. And seein’ thet Purvis Jacobs accustomed as how he ability accompany forth some jugs of his bootleg whiskey, the accomplished bulk a’ chair-warmers was more’n acquisitive to accompany in the expydition. So—at the appointed hour—they all showed up, loaded bottomward with accoutrements and lanterns, at the bend of Wishful Crick Wilderness. Actually, both Ott and Newt fergot to accompany enny lights, but association reckoned thet th’ pair’s new molars could do affluence of illuminatin’ … alike iffen the moon all of a abrupt angry her abaft to the apple and fabricated the night darker’n Satan’s tonsils.

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Well, already the boys had begin theyselves a nice abounding acropolis to set at, they amorphous buildin’ some ex- and centralized fires (both types of conflagorations was set afire with the advice of Purvis’s cooler lighter fluid) whilst Clarence let his ol’ dejected tick, Belle, apart so she could try to alarm up a coon. And, as you ability imagine, by the time of Belle articulate the inclement “Yo Yo Yo Yo!” case thet meant she’d treed one of the sleekfooted rascals, ev’ry affiliate of Plumtree Crossin’s Finest Huntin’ Assembly was about as bound as a academy of catfish in a teakettle.

“Let’s baiter thet coon! ” Clarence gurgled. So he and Purvis and Lafe and Skeeter Ridges and Lem Tucker bald theyselves off’n the backwoods attic and afire out as fast as their fluctuant legs could backpack ’em (lookin’ for all the apple like a agglomeration of waterbugs in apathetic motion). Ott and Newt, howev’r, backward abaft … bein’ as somebody had to “tend the fire.”

Ol’ Newt waited a admiring time (thet is, till the blow of the boys was fair out of sight), took a acceptable alcohol of Purvis’s abounding blaze stoker, and said, “You know, they’s nothin’ I’d rather do than sit about a balmy blaze with a abounding jug, coon huntin’.”

” ‘Cept eat, maybe,” Ott replied, “especially now I got this choice brace of ivories to bite with.”

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Hell’s bells!” airtight Newt. “Those gumdrops of yourn couldn’t bite spit! But my set of stalaggymites and tites, on th’ added hand, are abundant to accomplish Crystal Caverns about-face green.”

The absolute coon hunters, though, were havin’ a appreciably rougher go of it. Ev’ry time they catched up to Belle and shined their lanterns in the timberline she was barkin’ up—so they could git a bean on Mister Coon’s gleamin’ eyes—thet apostate varmint’d skeedaddle outa whatever added timberline it’d jumped over to, and accept the accomplished kit ‘n’ kaboodle of ’em off and runnin’ agin. Afore long, the arch raccoon had led the accomplished fluctuant backpack of fellers over a geegantic, kneebone-crackin’ bedrock accelerate … acrost a river (in which ev’ry bean was slicker’n spilt punkin on ceement) … and through a mile-long rhododendron bracken which was such a tangly, grabby, snappy, eyepokin’, and absolute adamant obstacle thet those fellers appear out the added ancillary lookin’ worse’n the guests of account at a panthers’ paddywhackin’ party. And then—to kinda cap off its evenin’ merriment—thet masked mischiefmaker (which had a faculty of prankin’ thet alone a bearcat aloft about Plumtree Crossin’ coulda inherited) circled aback and started leadin’ the decrepit debris of the Gen’ral Store Coon Huntin’ Society aback against the actual atom they’d started out from in the aboriginal place!

Ott and Newt, by this time, had yanked their jaw fillers out of they mouths and was active pointin’ out the specific virtues of the articulate ornyments. And they’d jist set both chompers bottomward (to rassle for grips on Purvis’s gum-soothing inebriant) aback they heered a horrifyin’ beforehand of hootin’s and bayin’s and carryin’s-on thet set ’em to grabbin’ teeth and scramblin’ up inta the limbs of the abutting tree.

Now those two geezers abstruse instantly—once they’d anchored some perches and throwed the rescued choppers inta place—thet they had anniversary affective the amiss set of teeth! But afore they could alike reopen their jaws, they heered a agitated scurryin’ babble as the coon scooted appropriate on up accomplished their limbs on thet timberline … begin afire Belle ascratchin’ and ahowlin’ “Yo Yo Yo Yo!” at the block of they abounding cover . . . and heered Clarence’s absolute assertive articulation cryin’, “We got ‘er trapped good, boys! Shine the lanterns up there and let’s git thet critter! “

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Ott aimlessly covered his eyes aback he heard the beneath than affable remark, but as anon as he did so, Newt’s ill-fittin’ teeth alone out of Ott’s aperture and commenced headin’ for the ground.

“There goes somethin’!” Skeeter Ridges cried. And afore those freefalling fair whites could alike blow dirt, Skeet accursed his shotgun—kerblam!—and blew Newt’s dentures inta chips of ceramics the admeasurement of vermickylite.

Now Newt got so abounding of mad ‘n’ banknote at this about-face of contest thet he leapt appropriate on Ott … a-screamin’ what woulda articulate like “You pinfeathered pea turkey!” iffen Ott’s teeth hadn’t alone out of Newt’s aperture and—kerblammity blam!—got promptly smithereened by a accomplished battery of buckshot. And then, jist as the Ramblin’ Plumtree Huntin’ Corps aggregate beneath thet timberline to see what the adolescent was makin’ such a branch-shakin’ commotion, Misters Bartlett and Blanchard appear atumblin’ bottomward absolutely on top of the absolute gun-totin’ assemblage. Ott and Newt thereby met up with the real culprits of the tooth-shootin’ caper, and the two old gum flappers set theyselves all over those worldweary fellers.

Well, the chasin’ and scramblin’ and fightin’ thet went on the blow of thet about unendin’ night ain’t hardly account recitin’ here. Suffice it to say thet bristles woulda-been hunters eventually begin theyselves chauffeurin’ a brace of irrascible codgers aback to the boondocks of Lick Skillet and payin’—full fare—for two complete facial rebeautification programs. And thet’s why, to this actual day, cipher in Plumtree Crossin’ anytime ribs Ott Bartlett or Newt Blanchard about their store-bought apocryphal teeth.

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And if you’re wonderin’ about the raccoon those association larboard up in thet backcountry timberline … well, thet bastard comfortable ambled aback to his den and explained all the goin’s-on he’d jist witnessed to his ring-tailed family. Alone you apperceive how it is aback ennybody—man or beast—tells a adventure in Barren County. None of thet critter’s kin believed a chat of it.

“That activity is account active is the best all-important of assumptions and, were it not assumed, the best absurd of conclusions. “—George Santayana 

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